Unworthiness and Fear
A direct connection to God changes one forever.
Even before she started using drugs, Ester Nicholson was addicted to illusions of unworthiness and fear.
For ten years, practicing the 12 Steps brought Ester into a place of growth, a place from where she was moving forward. But after following the same exact process in the same exact way, she hit a wall where the steps no longer worked for her because they are not intended to tackle certain core issues. “There are layers of wounds that the steps are not designed to address,” Ester says.
She began exploring spiritual practices and was introduced to universal spiritual principles, such as metaphysical teachings. “The third step of the recovery process says we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God,” Ester says. “But I wasn’t understanding God at all. I was still using the God I had been raised with—a very strict fundamentalist upbringing in a way that kept God away from me, a punishing and withholding God.”
For Ester, pairing the 12 Steps with universal spiritual principles allows her to flex her spiritual muscles; the 12 Steps keep her accountable, and the universal spiritual principles help her remember she is an expression of God.
It is important to unlock the code of dependence and heal core wounds by acknowledging, accepting, and admitting the areas where you are powerless. “And then get out of the way,” she says. “That way a spiritual power can shine a light of truth on those deep, core traumatic childhood wounds where real healing is possible.”
How do I get there from here?
Ester says before she started using drugs, compulsively overeating, and getting involved in unhealthy behaviors, she was attached to a false belief about herself. “Those feelings of low self-worth became so overpowering and so overwhelming that I needed something outside of myself,” she says. “I got into marijuana, snorting cocaine, and then smoking cocaine. When I started smoking cocaine, it took my addiction to another level where I was behaving in demoralizing ways.”
She was well aware these actions were incongruent with who she knew herself to be at a soul level. As a result of her addiction, she lost custody of her daughter for two years, lost jobs, and lost relationships. She was homeless for a while, at the mercy of anyone who would allow her to sleep on their couch for the night.
“One day I got in a taxi to go to a drug dealer’s house,” Ester says. “The taxi driver turned off the ignition and turned around and looked at me and said, ‘Young lady, please don’t kill yourself today. You don’t have to live this way anymore.’ And in that moment of grace I heard him.
“I remembered for a second who I was before I became addicted to fear,” Ester says. “I had a sense of what it felt like to be whole. I wanted to return home to my real self. That was the beginning of my long road to recovery.