Have you ever felt like you were dying? Have you experienced a new pain, and when you felt that pain, you thought the worst? Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt sad at your appearance?
That’s how I woke up everyday, just five months ago. I was depressed, anxious and obese, ballooned up to 252 pounds. I had zero ambition except for food, Xanax and alcohol to self medicate and I thought nothing would get better. I used drugs and alcohol to take away the pain and the thoughts in my head controlled me. I had friends who betrayed me and other friends who died from overdoses. I lost jobs, my family constantly doubted me, and was scared of every single pain I felt in my body.
When I had my first anxiety attack around my friends, I freaked out and had no idea what was going on, so I became scared, depressed very paranoid. Most of my friends didn’t help either. They avoided me, called me names and told me that drinking and taking pills would help. I felt betrayed because none of my friends seemed to care about my wellbeing, and that actually made my alcohol and drug abuse worse. It affected me a lot because I felt alone and scared that another anxiety attack would happen and ultimately lead to my death. I knew I needed change at that point, but there is nothing scarier than realizing and admitting that you’re not in control.
But I decided one day that I needed to change. It had to happen. There was no other option. So, I threw away all my alcohol and Xanax and went “cold turkey.” It was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life, but I pulled through and started my life change. When I went cold turkey, it was the scariest moment because I lost control and everything from my emotions to my physical body. I just felt cold, dull and emotionless from not being able to sleep and having horrible, depressing thoughts in my head. At first, I couldn’t even get up out of bed without feeling terrible. It took a lot of strength to get through those first few days.
Shortly after, I decided to start working out, change my diet, upgrade my thought process and literally did a reboot of my whole body, physically and mentally, and I’m so glad I did. I literally trained myself to start thinking a different way – seeing the positive in everything, rather than the negative.
Now, my life is full of pure happiness and I haven’t had a bad thought since. I found new joys in things I never thought I would. It’s amazing how getting rid of my “crutches” would make me feel so good. The most underrated thing in this world is being clean and sober. I’m one hundred times happier than I ever was when I had a drug or alcohol in my system. Now, fitness, eating right and helping others is where I find happiness. Below are some things I’d like to share about my personal journey in recovery.